..and as the night progressed,I wished I had another heart to share my woes with.

A friend to whom I could share my deepest concerns about love, lust,and loss...

An advisor with whom I could sit and listen,and scowl,and practice deep breathing...

But then it hit me...and I lay my not so small head in my not so small hands,and my 24 year old brain processed this wish..and I couldn't help but smile...

Because Id had that person all along...

and I couldn't think of a better person to tell myself,"Hey...smart ass." (Because we know this to be true in more ways than one...) "Why would you even consider dating an ex boyfriend? Be it his fault,your fault,or the fault of a lifetime of unforseen and self created circumstances...it's over.It will never, can never, possibly be the same.Attempting to do so can result in nothing less than heartache,name calling,and wasted time checking your alerts,then restarting your phone,because your responses are being typed in so fast and angrily that the ridiculous little black and white piece of glass and plastic cannot possibly keep up with your emotions..." than myself.Because I was there.I experienced it..I cried,I complained,I blogged,and I didnt completelty move on...but I moved on just enough to get myself through the next lonely night,when dating an ex seemed like the only possibility to happiness.

 

and that,was that.

My hand picked up the phone, and my heart yearned to scroll to your name, and message you.
But I didn't. I came here instead.
Not because I thought you wouldn't respond, but because I knew you would..and where you are weak, I have to be strong.
In this way my strength is documented, and maybe on some future occasion,looking back, my heart will feel that much lighter.
To the future me,
We loved him.Not in the way we've loved others, but we did love him.He's handsome, and sweet, and thinks he's funny ...which makes the adoration that much easier. His accent, grown, thick and with a hint of Haiti, makes our ears strain for our name, our eyes for his freckle...just the one we like..
But he is a weak man.indulgent, selfish, as easily addictive as he is addicting ..
and he isn't meant for us.let him be the lover he was. the memories of the sweet love, whispers, smiles and kisses...
lest you remember the alcoholism, the fear of his dangerous career, the sickening sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you watched him drive away ...because you knew.you've always known. And you know now. Don't ever go back..its too easily to slip into his arms, too difficult to slip out of his heart.

Theres freedom in the clean burn of an anger that has dissolved its last bridge to the unnecessary ...a solitude that can only lead to rebuilding.♥